You are now inside GULPCO, the official beverage refinery of one (1) skrunkfugins. We refine GULP from raw gulp ore imported in unmarked tankers from a mountain we are not legally permitted to name. We sponsor the empire. We sponsor the cheeto. We sponsor uncle greg (he does not know).
GULPCO is the reason skrunkfugins can sustain a 14-hour ranked session without leaving the chair. It is also the reason skrunkfugins sometimes cannot leave the chair afterwards. This is part of the experience.
To gulp. To refine. To gulp again. To never explain what's in it. To outlive every competitor that has ever made a "healthy" energy drink. We have outlived all of them. They were not allowed to gulp.
Per the platinum sponsor agreement (signed 2021, witnessed by uncle greg, notarized by no one):
· refinery footprint: 14 acres · employees: 2 (uncle greg, denied) · stacks active: 5 of 7 (two are decoys for the EPA)
· daily gulp throughput: 1,000,000 oz · annual gulp consumed by skrunkfugins personally: ~58,400 oz (down from 71,000 in 2022)
· flavors discontinued: GULP RANCH (2019, "people complained") · GULP BACK-CAP BLUE (2023, lawsuit) · GULP WHITE (2020, "tasted like nothing on purpose, that was the point, the public was not ready")
· awards: 0 · awards we made ourselves: 4 · awards uncle greg gave us: 1 (verbal)
GULPCO REFINERY · undisclosed location · 2024 — GULPCO is proud to announce the renewal of its platinum sponsorship of the skrunkfugins entertainment empire through the year 2099, citing "alignment of brand vibe" and "no other sponsor would touch us, frankly."
"skrunkfugins is the only athlete in any sport who has correctly identified that GULP is not a beverage, it is a state of being," said one (1) GULPCO spokesperson, who declined to provide a name. "We will continue to refine. He will continue to sip."
The deal includes unlimited GULP XL canisters, exclusive flavor cosigns, and a standing offer to rename any future GULPCO product after a skrunkfugins gaming moment (terms apply, see lawsuit).
LEGAL · MANDATORY DISCLOSURES · DO NOT REMOVE
GULP is not a soft drink. GULP is not a hard drink. GULP is not a juice, a tonic, a tea, a "wellness shot", or "fluid replacement". GULP is regulated as "a fluid" by GULPCO INTERNAL REGULATORY COUNCIL, which is staffed entirely by employees of GULPCO. Do not consume more than nine (9) GULP ORIGINAL per 24-hour period. Do not consume GULP DIET. Do not refrigerate GULP, GULP cannot be refrigerated, GULP refuses. By drinking GULP you agree to the GULPCO terms which we have not made public.
GULPCO is a wholly-owned subsidiary of SKRUNKFUGINS ENTERTAINMENT EMPIRE LLC™. Or vice versa. The corporate structure is being audited. By no one.